The more I think of it, the more out of place it seems to say ditch the small talk, it’s deep talk that gets you somewhere interesting.
What made me grab the pen this week was a Happiness Lab episode with exactly this title. Or almost: Forget Small Talk: Go Deep Instead.
And another thing that becomes clearer and clearer when I think of this (and really I’ve spent quite a bit of thinking about this), is that there is no.. we don’t have to choose sides, we have to just pick the one that is appropriate or comfortable for us right now. In my 100 conversations and tiny interactions project, I’ve mostly gone with those tiny interactions and also some short conversations. I suppose everyone’s different but I couldn’t imagine myself asking the barista what they loved about the neighborhood they used to live in. First because there isn’t time for it, and second, it’s actually not what I want from that conversation.
Or let’s take work. To feel more connected at your workplace, just short exchanges with people you know or don’t know make such a difference. Like, how distracted would you like to be during the workday. Deep conversation takes a little while, small interactions are much more achievable.
Small talk and deep talk are parallel concepts, not competing concepts. Quantity (more little chats) makes life lighter, people seem friendlier. If having a little chat with a stranger or someone you don’t really know becomes easier, it feels as if you’re just more connected with the world, and life, maybe with yourself too. I might not always agree personally, and I suspect many of you too, but small talk is objectively easy. Cheap, in a good sense. It doesn’t take too much time. It might be an effort in terms of courage but still, it’s short, and passing and yet it’s connection.
Deep talk does provide more connection on another level. Only ever having shallow conversations can be draining. When you’re in a group of people talking only about outside stuff, at some point you might feel, this is not for you. Going deeper has its own functions but it usually doesn’t happen just like that. It’s often done with a facilitator in some specific context with a specific purpose of making these people feel more connected. You CAN do it yourself by asking deeper questions. Questions about their beliefs, experiences, something that matters to that person. To some people, it happens naturally but it’s an effort, it’s not so easy. At least for the last 5 or so years, I’ve always grabbed the opportunity to have a deeper talk but steering the conversation knowingly in that direction requires more work. Awareness, knowledge, practice.
Both of these talks have science to back them up but it’s also summer and I want to go for a swim, but I’ll write it all up neater and deeper one day.
To the proponents of both, what matters is human interaction and connection. So why the fret?
It’s as simple as that: do small talk and go deep too.
I’d love to hear what you think of all this! Please get in touch and let me know 😍
A note on the title. Have you seen “Black cat, white cat” by Emir Kusturica? The moment I wrote the title, I can’t get it out of my head.
But also there is a proverb: it doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white, as long as it catches mice. Same could be said here — doesn't matter if the conversation is small or deep, as long as it creates connection.
Want to listen to that Happiness Lab episode?
Sure, here it is: https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/forget-small-talk-go-deep-instead